What Classic Monsters Would Drink, If They Drank Wine
Blood & bordeaux blends share more in common than you think…
Written & Illustrated by Cerise Zelenetz
It’s that time of year again when the leaves change, the temperature drops, and you can’t walk a city block without encountering a scantily clad young adult covered in fake blood (although, admittedly, this is the case year-round on the Lower East Side). In SWURL World, however, Halloween is the one night a year in which we take stock, reflect, and ask ourselves, “if I were at a party with the real Dracula, what would he be drinking?”
Lucky for you, we have some hypotheses.
Dracula — Bordeaux Blend
After centuries of being locked away in a – possibly oak – coffin, our fabled vampire desires nothing less than a comparably aged wine to enjoy with his fated solitude. Darkly brooding and steeped in history, the predominantly Cab Sauv, Cab Franc and Merlot blend from Bordeaux may not quite offer the same rush as sinking those fangs into an unsuspecting victim, but when Dracula is in a pinch, this iron-laced, bloody red will hit the spot.
Frankenstein’s Monster — Georgian Orange Field Blend
Although technically a villain, there’s always been something about Frankenstein’s Monster that warrants a sense of compassion. In addition to the fact that just about everyone gets his name wrong (Frankenstein was the mad scientist!), he’s really just a compilation of parts that didn’t quite fit together as planned. Who among us can't relate? To Mr. Frankenstein’s Monster, I say, you deserve a wine just like you. From Rkatsiteli to Mtsvane, the difficult-to-pronounce white grapes that compose the orange field blends of Georgia may seem a bit scary and unrelatable, but when combined and aged with skins, they become electric, and expressive, often with strong grip…not unlike our misunderstood monster.
Zombie: Austrian Pet Nat
In this booming age of horror consumption, the range of zombie varieties out there (from Dawn of the Dead’s pallid-skinned attackers, to the fungi faced victims in The Last of Us,) seems ever growing. Yet, in most cases of infection, the zombieness itself is passed from the undead to the undead…which tells us one thing: these monsters know how to start a party. With that in mind, what better wine for this crew than a slightly fizzy, (semi-alive) Austrian pet nat with biting acidity? Whether blanc de noir Zweigelt, sharp Welschriesling, or bubbly, broody red St. Laurent, there’s a pet nat to suit every ilk of zombie out there.
Witch — Biodynamic German Riesling
The enchanting witch of lore, with her bubbling cauldron and array of strange animal innards—skulls, too, perhaps?—is clearly a forebearer to the biodynamic farming movement. In a similar fashion, German rieslings, often misperceived as sweet, tend to provide bracing acidity, making the wines a fitting cohort to the sorceress's cunning schemes. Whether the witches in question are cursing unsuspecting targets, luring children to their enclaves a la Hocus Pocus, or just going for a nightly spin on their broomsticks, these petrolly brews are ideal for any witchy gathering (although perhaps elevated by just a pinch of newt).
Devil — Burgundy Pinot Noir
Master of all things malevolent and subterranean, the devil has always been a trickster, conning mortals into making deals with the intent of sealing their fiery fates. In his off-hours, however, our clever demon likes to unwind with an elegant wine that will match his keen intellect and lavish thirst. Enter the Burgundian Pinot Noir. With a hint of smoke, and a rich crimson hue (the devil is a color palette loyalist, after all), this revered wine is a cult favorite he’d happily trade souls for.
Ghost — Loire Chenin
There’s something poetic about the art of haunting that aligns well with chenins from the Loire valley. Whether of Victorian descent, or the product of a more modern demise, ghosts are figures known for their agility and ethereal essences. In this regard, the changeable, graceful nature of chenin is ideal for escorting these trapped souls from one world to the next. This thin-skinned grape ages brilliantly, so no matter how long it takes for our translucent companions to move on, they’ll always have an exquisite wine to haunt with.